Hello and welcome

The following is some of my work i've written and peformed over the past 2 years...Hope you all enjoy them

Oh and thanks for visiting my site

Chris Ramsay

If....Like ya knaa

IF you can keep hold of your ticket while all the charvas
around you are “losing” theirs
IF you can be sure of you’ve got one with you when all the inspectors doubt you
And because the lifts are down you use the stairs
IF you can wait at the platform and not get tired of waiting
Being insulted by pissed charvas who like to get so merry
You know they don’t look too good or talk to wise wearing fucking fred perry

IF you can dream of them being faster
or give your seat up to those who are lame
IF you can deal with that twat’s ghetto blaster
blasting out songs that sound the same
IF you can bear to hear “Stand clear of the doors please”
for the fucking two hundredth time
Or find that one of the windows is broken
cos of a charva who did the crime

IF you can escape the busy rush hour
while all the workers pack themselves in
IF you can find a place to put your rubbish
cos they’ve taken out the bins
IF you can deal with passing through the meadowell estate
all because you wanted to go to wet ‘n’ wild
And read the crimestoppers posters and wonder how many times that number has been dialled
You’ve been on the metro and you can tell them to stick it
and once more – you’ll be on valium my son

The Traveller

The lone weary traveller gathers his worldly possessions and sets off into the night looking for SALVATION on the empty dusty streets of Newcastle.
His mind wanders from the present to the past and to the image of his BEAUTIFUL long lost love.
He thinks back to a time when he had a place he could hang his hat and call home….A young boy sitting in the warmth of an open log fire watching the box in the corner of the room his eyes fixated on the kids TV show WIZZADORA.
He’s that boy no longer…He’s become a STALKER of the night looking for scraps from pissed up revellers of busy bright light nightclubs.
He has his rules and they have theirs….A clash that would inevitably lead to REVOLUTION.
He resorts to asking for change just so he can experience a basic human right and need…a need to eat…a need to drink…a need to survive

New Years Drugs

For the love of a maple tree with a sap in it
The attraction of the club he’s in is making him passionate
The drinks are flowing, his face is glowing
He truly feels alive on that dance floor
But he wants more
Not content with just feeling the beat
He sets off out onto the street
The hunger inside him for the music is pounding
He stands in the middle of the floor, everyone around him
Dancing, swaying
As the drinks flow easy and the music is playing
Tonight is his night; the fire inside him has ignited
He can no longer resist the beat he can’t fight it
He moves his body along with the crowd
The DJ pumps up the beat, it gets so loud
Everyone is jumping as one to the music
He is in his own world and looses it
The glass in his hand smashes, a fight has broke out
The men kick off the women begin to scream and shout
The bouncers wade in looking for that one man
He needs to escape his creates an escape plan
He dashes out with no hassle
This is just another normal night out in Newcastle
He moves on into the night the hunger has returned
From that last incident he hasn’t learned
The next club has more of those hypnotic melodies
Could it be possible for him to commit more felonies?
For some clubbers the sounds are not a joke
He pays for another round of JD and coke
Again he finds himself in the middle of where the party is at
He loves this tune and to him that is that
But he needs more, another fix perhaps
He gives out winks and pinches on bums which in return he gets slaps
But it doesn’t let it get to him, he still has his manly pride
He wont let any woman take him for a ride
The only wave he’s riding is the wave of the bass
Time out for him, moves on to next place
2am the time is as he glances
He’s a proper clubber loves to take chances
To him the music cleanses him and is a healer
But he’s mixed with the wrong crowd, a known drug dealer
He’s never done it before; to him it’s just a white powder
He contemplates it as the music gets louder
2 choices are before him, snort or don’t snort
He thinks and thinks and can he really go through with it?
He looks into the eyes of the dealer, Come on man do you want this shit?
He has his music what else does he need?
The shame of cocaine or the mellow feeling of weed
The transaction is done, he gives money and they shake hands
This has added to his party plans
He snorts the coke he has added fire
He takes to the floor the crowd has there hands out higher and higher

Silence

He feels strange something is not right
He leaves the club and sets out into the night
He stumbles and shakes, all is quiet on New Years day
He’s alone lying on the side of the road
That’s it his life story has been told
A crowd gathers around him, his face and lips are blue
If that man what would you do?
Would you be strong enough to say no?
If not, sometimes this story is the way it goes.

Tittle Tattle Tell Tale

Miss…Miss…Thomas pushed me

Don’t tell tales chris, Don’t tell tales

Miss…Miss…Thomas hit me

Drink your juice chris, Drink your juice

Miss…Miss…He’s scratched me look

Go and play chris, Go and play

Miss…Miss… He’s just smacked iz in the gob

Just ignore him chris, Just ignore him

Miss…Miss…He’s kicked the living shite out of me

Stay away from him chris, Stay away

Miss…Miss… He’s just glassed me and said that I ever tell anyone he was going to slowly run over my testicles with a steamroller

Pipe down chris, Pipe down

Miss…Miss…That fat twat who offered me drugs last week and when I refused stabbed me and tied fireworks to the dog, came back last night a threw a brick through my window

That’ll do chris, That’ll do

Miss…Miss if you don’t help me I swear I’ll kill your whole family, make you eat dog shit and use your intestines to decorate my bedroom

Chris…see me after the lesson, see me after the lesson

Wildlife on Charvas

Stealing, Asbos , nu monkey and after dark
Lend iz a tab, drinking cider, shopping at the den of inequity otherwise known as Primark
These are the tools every charva needs
And now we see the charva in its natural habitat trying to find a mate
“GET YA TITS OOT”
The charva is mainly nocturnal however you can see them in a pack hunting during the day for scraps
“LEND IZ TEN PENCE FOR THE METRO, HERE MATE GIZZA TAB”
The charva is both ruthless and cunning when they go in for the kill
“I’M GONNA PROPER DEE YEE LIKE”
The end of the day is nigh and the charva is ready to descend on its prey
“GANNIN TO THE IKON ME LIKE HAWAY”
One trait that all charvas have is the uncanny ability to stare down other potential predators
“WHO YEE LOOKING AT?”
And so ends our BBC wildlife on one special..Goodnight and remember if you see a charva in the street..He’s probably an inbred

?

New Year but same old shit

Well 2005 was an eventful one.......not for me though, well it was ok in the space of a month or so i went on holiday found a girlfriend then split up with her. Well it wasn't a mutual split i tried to change her mind but i guess it was not meant to be which is a shame as i often think what might've been.....

But i shouldn't think about that now.....Had my staff xmas party yesterday......Yes thats right we had a xmas pary in JANUARY. Next month we'll be celebrating the millenium

Hope you enjoyed your Xmas and the 2 weeks of turkey products that come with it.
Everywhere you go it was turkey on special. Then the spare turkey gets used for sarnies, salads etc etc. I was ok till my mum decided to make a turkey creme brulee. That took the piss

So Bird Flu has hit Turkey.....oh the irony.....I know every comedian is using this joke but you heard it here first

Why do people buy presents for their pets? I saw a dog walking along with a tartan coat on its back to keep warm. WHY??????? The DOG ALREADY HAS A FUCKING COAT!!!

Wearing shorts in sub zero temperatures is not a good idea

Woke up this morning feeling fine
Lying in my bed dreaming of sunshine
But wake up to find it's freezing....Penguins knocking at my door asking if they can come in to warm themselves up a bit....So what do i do? Do i decide to have my usual british 7 layers of clothing on??

NOOOOO

I thought it would be a great idea to wear shorts with football socks to show the ladies that i'm hard......and i was hard....my legs were anyway.....They were hard because they had frozen...So instead of looking like a Fit geordie footballer who isnt afraid of the cold......I looked like a special needs lad on a day trip....Reason.......My knees had locked and my legs were in cramp.........Trying to walk down Newcastle High Street like this does nowt for the libido i tell ya.

There is a real reason why i decided to wear this attire and that was due to a Students vs Lecturers football match....at the time of writing this i'm getting wolf whistles from the penguins who have followed me to the college....anyway The match is in 6hrs time...Will we win you bet ya freezing arse we will..........The penguins are in goal that should work in our favour.

Random blah blah

My life is influenced by drugs mainly glue sniffing...Not that i've done it....well apart from the time i shoved a pritt stick up my nostrils and had a converstaion with a pink elephant that was riding a harley.......Ok so i may have dabbled a bit but thats my fault i blame society.....and the fact that i'm a drug taking charva bastard. I know you're expecting a song here but if i can be honest...and i usually am I cant be arsed to write one so i'm just going to do some mindless stuff If you dont know i once worked for a well known car insurance company...I shall not say it as i don't want to advertise them cos they're a load of cock-farmers....but then again i can't not say it as you may find you need insurance and don't know where to turn.......Let me give you some advice.........DON'T FOR THE LOVE OF SATAN'S BOLLOCK GO TO THE A.A You may think to yourself why should i listen to this ginger charva and you'll be perfectly in your right to do so.......But take heed the AA will do/ and does rip you off. Trust me i was there in the call centre taking calls and you should see some of the stuff they can do to mess u up......I'm telling you i've seen shit that could turn you white.......If you're already white it'll turn you black and if ya black it'll turn you white......Think of it as Michael Jackson syndrome More random stuff on its way

Another piss take song by yours truly

This one is to the tune of The Ghostbusters theme sang by Ray Parkey jnr

My version is called DRINK FOSTERS.......not that i encourage binge drinking but.......Its fun aint it???

So here we go.......

Drink Fosters!!!
If there's nowt going on in your neighborhood
What should you do? (DRINK FOSTERS)
If you've pulled something weird an she don't look good
What should you do? (DRINK FOSTERS)

I ain't afraid to binge
I ain't afraid to binge

If you've just been glassed and blood is pouring from ya head
What did you drink? (YA DRANK FOSTERS)
An ugly tart sleepin' in your bed
Oh What did you drink? (YA DRANK FOSTERS)

I ain't afraid to binge
I ain't afraid to binge

What should you drink (DRINK FOSTERS)
If you've got no plan
Open up a can
And drink (DRINK FOSTERS)

I ain't afraid to binge
Ya knaa i like the girls
I ain't afraid to binge
What should you drink? (DRINK FOSTERS)

Mm...if you want to fight just have a pint kidda
You better drink (DRINK FOSTERS)

Let me tell you drinking makes me feel good
I ain't afraid to binge
Don't ever drink alone oh no....DRINK FOSTERS
When police come to your door
Wanna do jail time some more
I think you better drink (DRINK FOSTERS)
Ooh... what you going drink? (DRINK FOSTERS)

What you going to drink (DRINK FOSTERS)
Ah, I think you better drink (DRINK FOSTERS)
I can't see you...(DRINK FOSTERS)
What you going to drink (DRINK FOSTERS)
Louder DRINK FOSTERS
What you going drink (DRINK FOSTERS)
What you going to drink (DRINK FOSTERS)...(till fade)

Ann-sophie

There is a girl called Ann-Sophie
She says i'm sexy, i get embarassed Hee-hee
She's a sweet girl with a heart thats huge
She lives in Zedelgem but i say Bruge
She's a part of my Gran Canaria Crew
We got drunk there wasn't much to do
We went mad when we listened to Gasolina
Have u met Ann-sophie? Have u seen her?
She's a cute little blonde, there's no-one sweeter
So how do i end this?
With a goodbye and a sweet little kiss